I’ve watched death & murder frame-by-frame, in slow motion, fast-forwarded, and in real time of unarmed black men killed by police in every viral video since 2015. Then I started watching dash-cam videos, which took me back to 2013. Side-note, many dash cam videos show a very different story then first reported in police depositions about what supposedly happened—they tend to be riddled with part-truths & flat out lies. Second side note, I get light-headed at the sight of blood.
I never imagined over the course of three years I would be crying every day I edit, still. I thought I’d be desensitized by now. I am not. I didn’t expect to feel the pain of the mothers, wives, girlfriends & intended wives, siblings and children, left behind after so many years of editing raw footage of lives lost due to biases we can no longer ignore, be it explicit or implicit. What the hell is happening inside the heads of officers that give less then damn seconds to live, f@*#ing seconds to live, think about that shit, I did not say minutes. Tamir Rice’s life wasn’t worth TWO SECONDS!
After a tragic car accident Jonathan Ferrell was dead with ten bullets torn through his body, several being lethal; good-guy, college educated, high-school sweet heart and fiancé to Caché Heidel. Her “Sweets” was forever gone in 17 seconds.
Seven-teen bloody f’ing seconds. Yes, I cuss, probably more than ever now…I can’t find any words more suitable to express my frustration and anger with the absolute indignation I require. Most of all, I hurt and I worry. I have brown grandsons, my husband & step-sons are brown. My son-in-law is dark brown. My brothers can pass for white and one actually does, but my nephews cannot. I fear for every brown & black person, especially our males—regardless of background, I fear for all.
My editing process created a romance of sort, it was a true love-story I witnessed that was cut short and just like Caché and her entire family, I too have fallen in love with Jon. His smile is everything, in almost every picture. Of course, the media used the one or two most often where he wasn’t smiling. Mostly he smiled.
Jon’s murder happened in September of 2013, on the 14th. Five years ago, this week, only one officer out of the three didn’t try to harm Jon within that 17 seconds he was alive. Interestingly, the officer that didn’t take part in the initial tase upon arrival without one word, or pull the trigger twelve times hitting Jon ten, while he crawled pleading stop…this one officer was also the only officer who had his dash cam on. This officer looked like Jon…beautiful, dark-skinned Jon. 
I was in court when the officer said he never thought of using lethal force, it never crossed his mind. Jon had no weapon, even though he was accused of trying to break into the home he knocked at the door of, only looking for help. Jonathan had waited almost 19 minutes for the cops to arrive, only ONE officer had enough common sense to realize criminals don’t sit and wait for you to show up. Why did the other black officer tase Jon (it didn’t stick) upon arrival without saying one word, why did he lie in his deposition about Jon’s behavior when they arrived before the dash cam was released? And why wasn’t he charged with lying. Why did officer Kerrick shoot twelve times when it was clear in the dash cam video that Jon had no gun, no weapon, I heard his reasoning but there were three officers. Why were the two that drew their weapons the same two that failed police procedures, had turned off their dash cam…and to hear officer Kerrick’s thoughts after he killed Jon, SMDH with disgust.
Lawd…pleeeeeease help me not to hate, I know I am not supposed to have hate in my heart I still don’t understand how we are suppose to forgive people who don’t want forgiveness–and that leaves me with “Oh Lawd please, I don’t want to hate…”
I have interviewed Caché over the course of three years—I bear witness to what it looks like when you lose your first true love; it looks like you lost a limb, a part of your whole.
It was stolen actually, she didn’t lose shit. I have witnessed the burden she carries of trying to make sense, and not always hearing God’s answer when she ask why, why Jon God? Why me God? I have watched her rip the scab off every time we sit down looking for solutions, camera staring back as she bravely puts on a face without damp or swollen eyelids of the tears between cuts…I have personally felt her pain and it is deep. I’ve done something I am going to ask you to participate in, for one-minute sit in her shoes. Who do you love the most in this world? Pause for a second and then really visualize them. They’re never coming home…fill in the facts you already have, imagine…don’t read the next line damn it, stop and do it! Who do you love the most, they can be gone in seconds…think on that. That is but an exercise, a plight of proposed hurt—never to be equaled to what Cache’s suffered, but just go there and feel what you will!
I have been up close for three years and I’m tired of still watching this shit happen, over and over again. Its so common its barely news. White female cop, Amber Guyger, whose story keeps changing on how she murdered Botham Jean, an unarmed black man who was in his own apartment with his underwear on, is this weeks officer involved shooting that made the headlines. Already we are watching the blue-line in play, she’s gotten special treatment, but was charged with manslaughter, considering she is in photographs with the man whose life she ended and his only crime was being home, wouldn’t that be murder?
I am tired of crying and being angry. Somehow I must be part of the solution, even if I don’t see the change needed in my lifetime, maybe I can be but a seed that will grow and offer my babies shade from this rough terrain that my folks have endured on these lands from slave ships to present day oppression that has tired many of folk before me, who have given and sacrificed more then I’ll ever know or understand.
I’m left to hope. Hope that Ammunition for Change, will propel “Ghost Skin” into police training. It’s a first-person story, packed with honest raw expression & love—if you don’t feel or learn anything after you watch this, you should not be a police officer. If you don’t want to face the results of your actions, I ask why?
Mr. policeman, we see you don’t shoot white people while they run away—I actually have a video on my FaceBook page of a white dude chasing a cop, the cop is running away.
We hardly ever see you shoot white people when they point guns at you…but we have seen the last breathe of life taken by numerous unarmed black men…their eyes roll back and they often have a semi-seizure like sensation before their limbs slump and lose hold. I’ve seen cops kick the black body while cuffed with no response left…still cussing and demeaning an unarmed dead man.
My hope is on my twitter page, seeing more and more white people that have seen these videos becoming allies. They now believe in #BlackLivesMatter, they understand it is not a call for bigotry or hatred against white people, but a call for justice for black people.
They are pledging to stand for injustice, be the camera person, put their body in between the aggressor & the marginalized, to be the voice for the voiceless. We have gone backwards in time in the last two years, more than ever we must FIGHT forward together.
We are living in a historical moment where Ghost Skins have actually taken over the White House & taken off their masks. The FBI Counterterrorism Division spoke of ghost skins in 2006. This intelligence assessment provides an overview of white supremacist infiltration of law enforcement. I realize now the plan wasn’t reserved just for the police force…it’s taken over the entire system.
In the past three years I have learned so much. I have learned about my biases, I am as programmed as the next person, but I am also diligent in being conscious in all things. I am far from perfect, so at times I catch myself thinking most white folks I run into could be a ghost skin. Which makes me especially sad because the woman I loved most in my life was a white woman, my biological mother, my champion of all things good & kind & righteous…just as Caché’s dad is a white man. The idea that the shade of someone’s skin gives reason to shoot, to kill, within seconds, I just can’t process—I cannot comprehend that.
Twelve year old honor society student, said he believes there were good cops, but they aren’t protecting us from the bad cops. He lingered in thought before answering, his pause in how he answered that question will be leveraged in my gut for some time. My heart quieted its beat as I intently listened, kids are not supposed to be afraid to go outside because they are in fear of the cops. Thats not only an ass-backward heart-break, its got to have some form of effect on his young physic to be that primed with awareness and fright against a government group that’s message to serve & protect translates as a call to kill black boys, thats a straight-up freaking insane reality for a kid.
“Maybe if it starts happening to their children they’ll care, maybe then it will make a difference”
Zaid, 12 years old
I hope that’s not what it takes. “If you’re not outraged, you’re not paying attention.” FYI, if you don’t know her name, you should. Heather lost her life marching for justice, she was killed by a white supremacist at Charlottesville rally in 2017.
…the march for justice & the right to just exist has been littered with lives of beautiful souls for as many years—as we’ve not had shackles and chains locked & keyed onto our bodies, been lynched, attacked by racist mobs, lied on, branded as beast & stereo-typed in the media, been subject to propaganda, untruths, and systematic oppression. The only time in US history Americans bombed Americans on American soil—Tulsa race riot “The Bombing of Black wall-street.” I can only hope these solders of justice before us, our ancestors looking down from heaven cheering us on to eradicate this hatred are having a conference meeting with the source of all things good, explaining the soldiers & warriors can hold on but so long before the anger and frustration & righteous indignation takes over.
With the 911 mind boggling Becky’s & other biiitchees hating‘ while we try and just live our best lives & the unarmed police shootings every week or every other week, we need superpowers at this stage to stay calm, please send the Comforter to step in, the assault against black bodies is at an epidemic stage. Honestly, it always has been, time for change can no longer be a campaign slogan or remake of a song, it is critical that it becomes an action platform. Chaos is on the horizon if activist & Angels don’t underwrite a new storyline and soon! Stats don’t look good. For now, we are still working on what we hope are solutions, until someone greater than a Marvel character manifests themselves. We as individuals with or without fabulous capes all need to play whatever position we can, do it consciously, learn about your biases. release the chains of mental bondage and manipulation driven by a force that is the opposite of goodness, every small positive deed brings us as a collective to a woke moment, lets be woke and change this ‘mother-up.
Police committed roughly 8% of all US homicides involving adult male victims between 2012 and 2018, according to study published in the American Journal of Public Health. Unarmed black men between 2015-2018 were 3-5 X more likely then there white counter-parts to be killed by the police.
Getting killed by police is a leading cause of death for young black men in America. —The Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences
“The real revolution is the evolution of consciousness” —Carolyn Battle-Cochrane